Neon Sign
by Neptune2112
Summary: Wade's reaction to Zoe's gift of the Neon Sign, no dialogue. With so many years of emotional baggage to fight Wade reacts the only way he knows how.


**My first time ever at a fanfic. I just felt that Wade`s perspective from the night of the Battle of the Bands needed to be explored. **

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Wade stood absolutely still staring at the neon sign spelling out his name, tangible proof that his dream was not just his own closely guarded secret anymore. It was at that exact moment that he finally understood the meaning of true, glorious and overwhelming panic. He tried to come up with a better reaction than "it's amazing…" in response to everything Zoe was saying to him but his ability to form solid thoughts seemed to have switched over into slow motion. He was stuck in a rush of seemingly never-ending emotional fireworks going off in his head, making it impossible to get any coherent words out of his mouth.

He thought he had experienced panic in the past when he was rationalizing how to walk over to Zoe's and casually ask her to bid on his picnic basket, or when he first heard that George was not actually married to Lemon and he had clearly just interrupted him making some sort of move on Zoe in the kitchen. This was even worse than the panic he had momentarily felt when he knew without a doubt this time Zoe was not going to turn him away on the night of George's non wedding. That finally there was no going back for either one of them. It was so much worse than anything he had felt before; it was beyond paralyzing. What made it more horrifying was that Zoe had no idea how much her gift had brought Wade to his knees.

There were only two thoughts that Wade could currently process: one, how empty his life would be without Zoe sharing it. The other was how the look of absolute belief and caring would slowly start to fade when she inevitably realized that he was not worth all of her faith and trust. Every one of the amazing memories shared between them, moments of happiness together would soon disappear when she finally realized that he is nothing but a loser and always had been. _It was unavoidable_, he thought. His course had been predetermined a long time before he met her; he was Crazy Earl's son after all so disappointing people is probably genetically encoded into his DNA. The idea that he would be the cause of Zoe's smile slowly being extinguished over time as he lets her down again and again made his heart ache. _Seriously, what could he offer her in terms of a life in the long run?_

Wade wasn't a fool; he knew he was in head over heels in love with Zoe. It was not really a new, sudden discovery for him at all. He just seemed to find himself so much more conscious of loving her in the midst of this emotional onslaught.

He had known she was something special during the heat wave when she walked away from him in the rain telling him she just wasn't that kind of girl. Truth of the matter was that standing up for what she believed in that night has impressed him and, ok he admitted it, challenged him in the best way possible as well. He had known he would need to step up his game to get her interested in him but that was definitely part of the fun; part of how the game was played. Somehow all of his efforts had backfired on him, pushing her further out of his reach. The more unavailable she seemed, the more he wanted to win her over.

Wade had always excelled at flirting and seducing women. He never failed to figure out how to raise a challenge that would have the girl of the moment falling all over herself to accept. It was not like he really had to manipulate anyone; normally his charm worked wonders and it certainly didn't hurt that he was easy on the eyes. He always made sure that he never took advantage of someone who did not understand the rules of the game and that all he was looking for was a bit of fun. This way, Wade felt he was trying to make it so no one could get hurt when he turned out not to be the relationship guy. He sure as heck did not need get caught up in someone else's drama or want to extricate himself from any complicated feelings. It had been working pretty well for him. Over the years he had developed a get-in, get-out and always-leave-them-wanting-more philosophy that he lived by. Sure, sometimes someone got hurt but that was more down to their own wishful thinking that they could change Wade than it was based on any actions of Wade's giving them hope.

Somehow, though, with Zoe every come on line was a failure that left him appearing increasingly more immature. She really did make him feel like he was a child again back in the playing field at school, yanking on her pigtails just to get her attention.

He could not say when he first started to feel something beyond intrigue; all he knew was that from the minute Tansy told him to move on from Zoe Hart, it hit him like a ton of bricks. He couldn't imagine a day without seeing Zoe feeling anywhere near as good as one when he did _even if_ all he did was annoy her, in fact, he didn't even want to…not that he was going to let anyone else know that ever.

He knew he was hooked when he found himself seriously considering Lavon's recommendation of actually making an effort to become a better version of himself for her; not that she noticed much at first. He was shocked when he found himself, during the Bluebell Battle, confiding to her his dream of opening his own bar. How had he let that happen? He definitely was not a guy who shared personal information freely and he had certainly not been planning on letting her that far inside his head.

It scared him knowing that he felt a connection with her. He felt his heart race when she was near him; felt it skip a beat every time she smiled up at him with those big chocolate brown eyes of hers. He was like a moth to a flame (or as she would no doubt put it, more like a mosquito to her bug zapper!). He was absolutely certain he would end up as collateral damage on the road of her life but couldn't stop himself for the world.

Sure he was furious with her when he found out she had only joined the Bluebell Battle to get George's attention, but even then he still could not imagine life without her. When he told her in anger that he had an appointment to look at a new apartment, she didn't need to know that he never really would have followed through with moving off the plantation. Leaving the gatehouse would have meant not being able to manufacture a reason to bump into her daily and he was damn sure he was not ready to never see her again.

Getting stuck in the barn with her was amazing, terrifying and confusing all at the same time. He was so angry with her for being unbelievably blind, never seeing him standing right there in front of her. He was caught off guard when she started trying to push him about his feelings for her and it had taken about 10 minutes of him pacing in the rain before he got up the nerve to return and let her briefly inside the walls he had built up over the years. He knew then without a doubt that he was not the only one who felt something existed between them; that the attraction was mutual. So when Zoe blew the generator there was no more time for doubts or hesitation; there was only the moment and a need to act. This was one night Wade was definitely not going to miss his chance.

It would be easy to say that this was the defining moment Wade knew he was in love with her but truthfully it wasn't; he knew it long before then. Surprisingly, he had actually realized it weeks before when she was sitting all alone in the Rammer Jammer waiting for her dad, worrying about Rose in the hospital and knowing that she thought he hated her. She sat there trying to look so bravely unaffected and failing miserably. All he could see was how lonely she was feeling and he could just imagine how scared and lost she really was at that moment. It took every ounce of strength he had not to walk over to her and take her in his arms, to tell her Rose's condition was not her fault, to tell her that he forgave her for not winning the money but he didn't; he couldn't. He so badly wanted to stay mad at her, to feel nothing towards her so he forced himself to stay away hoping that he might eventually be able to turn the love and anger into some semblance of indifference.

He had had no real plan for how to act once he found out that George was free and 100% intent on becoming Zoe's boyfriend. Wade had too many years of defenses built up to just open up based on one amazing night, even if it was the best night of his life. So in typical Wade fashion, he chose to retreat instead of being honest; following his gut reaction to hide behind a comment about mistaking good sex for feelings. She had really seemed to believe his lie about her being a B minus too. She couldn't possibly think that was how he really felt about that night, could she? Besides, the only person he may be hurting in all of this was himself and there was such a thing as self-preservation.

Zoe once commented to him that she only ever seemed to be attracted to unavailable men. Wade was banking on that fact when he refused to go all John Wayne with George Tucker over her. His only hope was that once the unattainable Mr. Tucker no longer seemed so forbidden he might not seem so perfect to Zoe. Wade was definitely not going to go head to head in a contest where Zoe Hart decided between him and Golden Boy. As far as he was concerned that was a recipe for disaster. The best weapon he had in his arsenal was his ability to get a reaction from Zoe through arrogance and cockiness. For some reason he never failed to her a rise out of her that provoked her into some kind of crazy action. He was desperately hoping that Zoe could not see through his act; see how much the thought of not measuring up to her perfect picture of George Tucker killed him.

He could barely believe it when Zoe slept with him the second time, then the third, and again. Every day she left saying it would never happen again he steeled himself in case she really meant it this time. In case he really was forced to face his life returning to the monotony of before. When he would hear that quiet knock on the door his heart would race with the satisfaction of knowing that she came back to him wanting more. Wade made damn sure he did everything in his power to guarantee it was the best sex she ever had. He was amazed that he really seemed to be making her happy, even if she seemed clueless about that fact.

Being with Zoe made Wade feel more alive than he had ever felt before. He spent his days walking on air, constantly having to be careful not to slip up and treat her like his girlfriend in public. No matter how badly he wanted all of Bluebell to know that he, Wade Kinsella, was with the most amazingly beautiful woman in town he knew that Zoe would not be okay with things getting out publicly. He was hoping that eventually, with time, he would be able to win Zoe over and make her forget all about George Tucker. It seemed that he might have been right which was why he enjoyed every minute of Zoe's attempt to make him jealous. He knew her well enough to know she was in no danger of actually sleeping with Ruby Jeffries cousin Zach. Zoe was definitely not the type of woman who could detach her emotions enough to have casual sex, no matter how hard she was trying to pretend that she was carefree and easygoing.

When she finally asked him to be casually monogamous he felt like he won the lottery not because she was asking him to be exclusive (he had no intention of sleeping with anyone other than her) but because she tipped her hand when she mentioned seeing him with the hot blonde. She may not realize how obvious it was but Wade could tell that she had actually been jealous, and from what Wade knew of women that could only mean that she was definitely emotionally invested in their relationship (Yes as girlish as it made him feel he was thinking of it as a relationship, despite the fact that she was not). The connection between them was growing even if she was still clinging to the idea they were just casually involved.

Wade had never really been a stay all-night, wake-up-with-you-in-the-morning kind of guy. In fact, over the years he rarely stayed the whole night with anyone. He preferred to extricate himself before any uncomfortable conversation needed to take place. He definitely knew the rules of casual and it did not involve cuddling, conversation or falling asleep together after the fun took place, So it could be considered another milestone for Wade when he found himself not only enjoy these moments with Zoe, but actually craving them. Waking up every morning with Zoe was the most amazing thing he had ever imagined. The more often it happened the more he found himself in emotional territory he had never experienced before. Wade knew deep down he was in trouble; knew that he was not protecting his heart enough and he was in serious danger of the Doc stepping all over it in her ridiculous high heels.

It nearly tore his heart out when Zoe's reaction to George being okay with their relationship only confirmed his fears that he was, at best, a temporary placeholder. Wade took consolation in the fact that she was not aware of the depth of his feelings; he could still beat a hasty retreat and get out pretty much in one piece. He was confident he could build up his walls again and with time (ok, with a lot of time) he could get back to being the old Wade.

Seeing how sad and hurt Zoe seemed to be by his endless double shifts and avoidance confused Wade. Why would Zoe be hurt by his ending things when she clearly wanted George? That was the most frustrating and infuriating thing about Zoe; she never knew what she wanted or needed to make herself happy. The number of times she came over to see him, trying not to sound hurt and lonely over his distancing himself gave him hope that she might eventually be able to confront her buried feelings for him. So for the first time in his life he took a chance and made it clear to her he wanted more. The disastrous picnic date pretty much killed off any remaining hope that he had of her realizing that their differences could be what would make them an amazing couple.

He had tried to revert back to his old ways and had even attempted to bring home a groupie picked up at a show his band had played just before Christmas. It was beyond unsuccessful, and although Wade would never admit to anyone what happened that night (he had been completely disinterested in having sex with the girl) he had ended up just sitting up with her all night complaining about his annoying neighbor. She had ended up falling asleep in his bed while he stayed on the couch after eventually giving up on any chance of getting Wade to fool around with her. He was sure when Zoe caught him walking her out that she would not care and was surprised when Zoe seemed to react immediately and from the way he saw it more than a little jealously. He had no intention of correcting her assumption that this woman was just another in the long list of Wade Kinsella one night stands. Better to have Zoe think that than to think that he was sitting at his place pining over her.

The biggest surprise, and honestly the best surprise of his life, came the night Zoe showed up on his porch confessing that she wanted him to be her boyfriend, that she liked him. He had been so caught off guard that he actually had to have her clarify what she was saying. He really had thought it was possible he was dreaming. Cutting off her list of all the reasons why he should take his time over the decision with a kiss that made him feel like he was finally home. He wanted to believe more than anything that this was his time for happiness; that it was more than time for things to go right in his life for once. He was absolutely head over heels crazy about Zoe. He could not believe that he was lucky enough to wake up with her, kiss her, hold her, sleep with her and see her light up when she saw him every single day.

Even in the midst of all his happiness, hidden deep in the recesses of Wade's mind there was an association that misery and pain would be the inevitable outcome of love. He had always known in the back of his mind that he was not good enough for her, that his unworthiness would be the reason he would lose her one day. It was not until the moment that she gave him the Wade's Place sign that he became aware how much he did not want to return to a life without her. Zoe had come along and made him feel that he might one day be a better person. He might even be able to really do something he could be proud of instead of just accepting that he was the town screw up with no prospects on the horizon, son of the town drunk. She had given him the prospect of happiness and a better future; things he had never thought possible until she barged into his life.

Wade could remember how badly the disappointment of watching his dad falling apart after losing his mother had made him feel. How he had slowly gone from being a happy, carefree 9 year old to an adult in a 10 year old body who had to take on the responsibility of cleaning up his dad's messes. He could remember vividly dying a little more inside every day; his 10 year old brain rationalizing that this was the disastrous fallout from loving someone too much. What terrified him the most was his absolutely deep seeded belief that to love is to be able to destroy someone thoroughly; at least that was what the 10 year old voice inside of Wade's head constantly reinforced. To love is to need, need leads to danger and disappointment and never-ending pain. Although irrational, this was the basis for Wade's constant reflex to push people away when they were building up too many expectations.

He had spent a significant part of his formative years hiding just how messed up the Kinsella family was after his mom Jacqueline's passing; letting no one know just how unreliable his dad had become with all the drinking. Wade faced constant disappointment from people he loved. People who were supposed to love him back; the people he was supposed to be able to trust. Yet, one by one every member of his family let him down; his mom passing away, then his dad turning to drinking when he could not face the reality of losing his wife. His dad's drinking making it impossible for him to hold a steady job and take care of his sons. And finally his brother Jesse who had sworn they were in this together no matter what.

No one knew how badly Wade had been hurt when his older brother had broken his promise to stay and help take care of his dad. Wade could at least stick to the plan to finish high school, take some college courses and work at making something of himself as long as Jesse was there to share the burden. When Wade finally read the letter Jesse left for him he had known what it felt like to be completely abandoned and emotionally, it was the last straw. Jesse was sorry he just couldn't stay in Bluebell; he needed to get out; get as far away as he could. He wrote that he had enlisted in the Army because it would get him a chance at a better life away from every bad memory from the past few years. Jesse never mentioned how he thought Wade would be able to manage things now that he had bailed; it was as if he did not care at all how this prevented Wade from any chance at a better life. As far as Wade was concerned someone had to stay and by default of being the only one left, that someone was him.

He somehow managed to work 2 part time jobs as well as picking up any odd job he could in his spare time just to make ends meet, cover the shortfall that his dad's inability to work created. He was still only 13 when Jesse bailed and could not risk being taken away by child services. So instead he managed to learn how to pay bills, grocery shop and maintain the façade that Earl was at least partly functional as a parent for the eyes of Bluebell and all while trying to attend high school. At the beginning of every month he would climb up and sing his father down from the hardware store and Bluebell would be polite enough to pretend for Wade's sake that his world was normal and this did not mean Earl was drunken failure as a father.

After Jesse left, Wade never let himself rely on anyone else ever again. He found it was better for to shut down his emotions so he did not end up consumed by anger over his lot in life. Shutting down emotionally guaranteed his life would avoid any unnecessary expectations. He existed day to day in a kind of primitive survival mode. Preferring to keep his life as simple as possible he quickly learned that his good looks and charm could land him any girl he wanted and he happily settled into life as the town Casanova. Being offered his job at the Rammer Jammer the moment he turned 21 fit nicely into how he wanted to live. He was bartending at ground zero for picking up women and honing his skills on girls who were obviously out to make poor decisions. No deep feelings or attachments and better still no one expected Wade to be anything other than what he was: a bartending, good time cowboy Casanova. It had all been working out pretty well for him throughout the years, until she came to town and it all suddenly seemed so empty.

Wade stood looking at the Wade's place sign only seeing Zoe's sincere belief that he could achieve his goal; his overwhelming feelings toward her caused him to shut down emotionally in a desperate attempt to cope. He recognized in those few seconds that he wanted a life with Zoe. He wanted to love her and have her love him back, worse than that he needed her more than he ever thought possible. He felt like he was standing on the edge of a bottomless cliff looking down unable to see anything except a pervasive blackness. He couldn't breathe; he was numb, unable to process any cohesive thoughts beyond his gut reaction that he absolutely could not allow himself to be so weak as to need Zoe as much as he knew he did.

It was as if a danger sign was blinking a repetitive warning: Zoe equals danger. Wade had never been so thankful in his life hearing Zoe's phone ring. It provided her a distraction and prevented her from realizing that something was drastically wrong, that the Wade she knew was not the person standing right in front of her. It was as if Zoe's Wade had walked into another room in his mind and no matter how much he wanted to return, the door was locked and he was missing the key. Perhaps if Zoe had not been called away she would have been able to reach out to him and finally break through that door but it was not meant to be. Wade was not strong enough to fight his fears by telling her he needed help; that something was seriously wrong.

When she left to go treat Tom, Wade stood motionless for another 20 minutes staring at the neon sign. He could see it burned into his retinas even with his eyes closed; spelling out 'failure'. He could see his future as a movie reel playing out in front of his eyes. He could see Zoe looking at him with an expression of hope and happiness. He watched feeling sick when the look slowly morphed into disappointment and indifference. Her skin reflecting the blue shine of the neon light while tears streamed down her face; her affection slowly turning to hate seemed so nightmarishly real.

Finally managing to pull it together enough to meet George and the band, Wade was relieved when no one seemed to notice anything wrong; at least not until he hit the bar. Wade could tell George found it unusual he had traded in his standard beer for double bourbons but seemed comfortable writing it off as nervousness over the competition. When he suggested to Wade it might be better to take it easy it was obvious that he was confused by Wade's crazy accusations of having led an easy life. Compounding Wade's frustration was that George never put it together that 'the everything' Wade was scared of losing had nothing to do with the Battle of the Bands; he could not understand how George was not able to see that what he stood to lose was so much more than just the stupid bar.

Wade knew deep down that no good could come out of seeking solace in a liquor bottle. God knows he had seen it enough times to know it would only lead to poor decisions and ultimately a morning full of pain but it was impossible for him to overcome 20 years of conditioning when all he wanted was to find the quickest route to oblivion. Maybe deep down he had been hoping that someone would finally see through the act. That his lifelong friend George Tucker would finally understand he had given his heart away to Zoe and these foreign feelings of overwhelming need to make her happy were the root cause of his current panic induced behavior. Sadly Wade's cry for help went unnoticed when George seemed not to realize he was witnessing a deliberate act of self-destructing. The last thing Wade definitively recalled was getting up, meeting up with Claudette who had mentioned something about continuing the party elsewhere, and walking out the door of the bar.


End file.
